I wish I had written in my journal a little more during this time. During this seventh pregnancy, I keep thinking about this loss from two years ago… I we a little concerned during my last pregnancy too. I suppose having had this experience has left a bit of uncertainty in me. It’s truly been a test of faith. Holding that tiny little being in my hand is a moment that is forever engrained in my mind. I think of it often as I anxiously await the next time I hear Baby Jack’s heartbeat! I did the same with Juliette! I am pretty sure I’ll be a mess until I hold him in my arms!
I keep thinking about how I ended up in Hawaii for a week without kids. Then when my sister left and it became a real vacation. I felt like it was the calm before the storm. Like I was anticipating some decent trials in the near future. Like Father in Heaven was letting me take my first real breather in 5 years to help me with what was coming. At the time I thought it was the craziness of five kids in 5.5 years… Never would have thought it would be a loss that would come next. For the last 7 weeks I was dreaming about the new little life we would be welcoming in November. And now, it will never come to pass. At least not in November. Today we found out we lost our little bean. We found out we were expecting on conference weekend (first weekend of April). But we went to the Dr today to see why I was bleeding, and she confirmed that there was no heart beat. hardest day ever.
Well, miscarriages are not as easy as they sound. You think that since it happened early on that it wouldn’t be so bad, but it is painful all the same. Not as physically painful, but the emotional pain makes up for that in a heartbeat. We got a video of the little bean after he or she came out. The baby was perfectly preserved in the water sac. the baby made it to 9-10 weeks gestation so you could see hands and feet, fingers and toes, ear buds, a tongue bud, eyes, a mouth, the tail was gone, and it resembled a baby more than a tadpole. At this point I am just trying to get my blood supply back to normal and bring my iron back up. I am sometimes very emotionally stable, and others I am a wreck. Sometimes I am totally at peace, and sometimes I am upset. I can’t wait to even out! Most of the time though, I feel like this:
Ashley’s Testimony 6/1/14
As I reflect on this past month I still get sad about some of the things that have happened. It’s during these trials that I’m reminded of the enabling power of the Atonement. I find it amazing that every trial I’ve been faced with, I’ve been prepared to handle. I’ve had the principle of the Gospel planted in my heart and mind, I’ve had experiences that have defined my testimony on such principles, and then when I go through something huge, it’s not a new concept. I’m given the tools I need to keep going. To understand what’s happened. It’s still hard, and I still cry and I still struggle, but I have a way to put one foot in front of the other. I have a Savior that helps me keep living until I feel alive again. He helps me carry out my duties as a wife and mother until I can find it in myself to put my heart back into it.
So in this trial I think back upon a most significant time in my life where I struggled greatly in my role as wife and mother. Around that time, I read a talk by Elder Bednar in the Ensign, in April of 2012 I think, all about the enabling power of the Atonement. How it is the aspect of the Atonement that often gets overlooked. It is the power we receive during difficulty and trial, during sickness and calamity, to get through it all. It strengthens us as we strive to be like the Savior. It carries us through hard times even if we have not sinned. Of course not one us perfect, but sometimes we are doing pretty well with our lives and spiritually we are pretty well centered. But life still happens and it’s still hard, so what then? The Atonement has such great power to heal broken hearts. I have a testimony of this.
The Atonement has enabled me to remain positive through this trial. I’m grateful for a Savior who guides me and encourages me through the love of others. I’m grateful for my wonderful family, and wonderful friends. I have a strong testimony of prayer and Faith and that Father hears each one of mine. I have a strong testimony of the Gospel, and I know that I belong to the church that Christ established in these latter days upon the earth. I know this to be true. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.